The Necessity of Grieving in Community

It's often said that grief is the price we pay for loving, and in that sense, loss and grief can be considered a universal thread of experience that ties humanity to each other, and to our natural environment.

Unfortunately, the systems of oppression that we exist within consider the act of grieving an "inconvenience"; as the vast emotional landscape of grief is a hindrance to capitalist productivity.

Grief tending requires a fierce softness and spaciousness that is wholly counter-intuitive to the near-constant demands placed on us to survive within a society that is obsessed with individualism, extractivism, and financial gain.

Creating sacred space to grieve in community can be considered a radical act in the throes of racial capitalism and white supremacy; systems that thrive on keeping us physically and spiritually separate from ourselves, each other and the natural world.

The grieving process asks us to slow down, to seek relational support, to practice deep listening with one another, and with nature. Grief is a primal, instinctive and necessary function of our existence.

When we are unable to acknowledge its necessity in our lives, we fall prey to external forces that strip of us our agency: consumerism, addiction, and toxic relationship dynamics.

When we re-learn to grieve in community, we are tending to what it is to be alive.

What is a Community Grief Circle?

Experiencing loss, whether the death of a loved one, the ending of a relationship or even the transitions from youth to adulthood and beyond, are pivotal moments in life. These experiences mark a time of great change, and must be treated with reverence and respect.

These moments of disruption and chaos can feel isolating, and may serve to disconnect us from our everyday lives; fracturing the reality of what we've known and pushing us towards a new trajectory. To navigate these experiences alone can create further fissures in our psyche, which is why it's so important to find and cultivate community connection and support to help hold, and integrate, the weight of loss.

Elements Of An Effective Community Grief Circle

Whether you're thinking of starting your own community grief circle or you're seeking to join one, there are various elements to that may be helpful to consider.

• Who is invited to participate, and who is facilitating the space?

  Inclusion is one of the most important aspects to consider, as it will help determine the level of comfort and safety available during a session.

  If you are seeking to join an existing circle, do you prefer to be in a space that includes a wide variety of cultures, or would you feel most comfortable in a space dedicated to the sensitivities and aspects of a culture and identity that you feel connected to?

  If you're creating a circle for people to join, do you have the skills and cultural sensitivities and education to hold space in a way that takes into consideration the variety of lived experiences present?

  The reality is that group/community work is trauma work, and in the context of a grief circle in particular, people will tend to show up in a vulnerable state. It is important to understand the context of lived experiences and how these aspects may affect the group dynamics and the experience of those present.

  If you're creating a circle, consider building an outline of "group agreements" that members can consent to prior to joining. Transparency and openness is a vital component of cultivating a space that prioritises safety, compassion and kindness.

  Similarly, does the group that you are hoping to join have group agreements and operate with consent in mind? Are they anti-racist and trauma-focused? Do the group agreements include a plan for conflict management, should conflict arise?

  Another important prerequisite for inclusion is accessibility. Questions to consider include, how can the space be accessed by people with physical and/or mental barriers?

  If the session is in-person, are there entry ways to the space for people in wheelchairs, canes or other assistive devices? How will be people be sitting or otherwise, in circle together? Can the space make accommodations for people who cannot sit or stand or lay down for extended periods of time? Will there be music or sound during the session? Will there be scents used? Will it be indoors or outdoors or online?

It's important to consider your own needs, and the needs of people entering the space by utilising a consent-based model, where people are fully aware and informed, and included are different options based on need and safety.

Given that we are living through an on-going pandemic, many people will choose to either host a session outdoors or online. If the session is in-person, is it explicitly stated that masks will be worn and/or testing is required before entering the space (regardless of government mandates)? Disability justice centres the needs of those with disabilities and compromised immune systems, understanding that when the most vulnerable are cared for, everyone can be cared for.

• What is the structure of the session?

  A healthy and dynamic space can include space for grounding, meditation, sharing, reflection and integration. How long will the session be? And how long will each portion of the session be? Will there be a specific grief focus, such as ecological grief, death of a loved one, loss of a beloved pet, or more generalised?

Trauma focused spaces take into account that people tend to feel most comfortable when they are fully informed of the length of time, and it's made clear that people can choose to opt-in or out of particular moments as they see fit.

Introductions & Access Needs >>>

Once folks are settled into the space, it's wise to open the session with introductions, which can include asking people what their access needs are. Access needs can include people sharing about how they're feeling, and whether they need certain accommodations to feel comfortable (ie: eating, wearing earplugs, using fidget toys/doodling, being off camera if online, etc)

Grounding/Meditation >>>

To help people centre and ground, it can be useful to invite an optional short, guided meditation or grounding practice with accessible, intentional breathing. This can be useful for the participants and facilitator to focus their energy and connect with their emotions, and somatic sensations.

Sharing >>>

Processing your grief journey in a community circle can offer catharsis, and an opportunity to be witnessed. Being seen by others in your grief can be a powerful tool in processing and integrating the experience of loss, as it can show you that you're not alone.

Additionally, sharing vulnerably with others can build reciprocity and compassion, while building trust between people. These are the ingredients for cultivating community care and building healthy relationships.

That being said, it should be optional for people to share personally, as sometimes what is needed is simply being in a sacred space and deeply listening, while honouring others experiences with loss.

With respect to everyone's time and energy, it can be useful to allow a reasonable amount of time for each person to share without interruption.

Reflections >>>

You may wish to include space for folks to "popcorn-style" reflect on each other's shares, if that feels conducive to the energy and respectful of the time available. Listening to people's shared experiences can prompt new insights, which may help in processing. This time could also include quiet reflection with a journaling exercise.

Integration >>>

Given that folks have shared with vulnerability and opened up to potential strangers, it's wise to include a type of practice that allows folks to integrate their experience and "close" out or "zip" them back up again before sending everyone back out into the world.

Reflection may be a part of this experience, and it may also include a closing prayer/meditation, breathing practice, and/or sharing gratitude.

Grief is Non-Linear

It can be tempting to presume that the grief process is a linear experience, but that simply isn't the case. Moment to moment, emotions can shift and transform and with new insights can come activation and remembrance.

Giving yourself the grace to flow from anger to sadness, to suffering and softness and back again is important, as is cultivating the courage to ask for support and advice from loved ones, and those who have shared experiences of loss (...and that's everyone!). Go gently. You're not alone.